We have all been given the incredibly gift and opportunity of spreading beautiful words into the world; to share joy, sorrow and love with other humans, who can accept, laugh and be touched by them.
The thing is, the greater the words, the greater the sacrifice and many choose to withhold the beauty they've been blessed with, in fear of not being understood, or provoking the wrong reactions.
Doubt, uncertainty and fear plants a growing seed of worry in our minds and it makes us believe that some words of caring, compassion and love are better left unsaid, or worse not valid.
Words composed by love, will almost always be valid. The world have become angry with pictures of war and pain and the hope that words of selfless emotions can change anything have ceased to almost nothing.
We have become scared of saying the things worth saying.
So this is me, trying to change that. Well, change and change, but this is me refusing to be silent about things that matter in the normal life of a teenager.
Because I've been loved, I've been blessed, I've been let down, I've been supported and I've been hurt, and it's important to acknowledge it - to know it's valid, to feel. And it's important to make other people feel as if they're not entirely alone.
This world can be lonely sometimes, when we're too scared of expressing our inner emotions.
One day, you're going to meet someone who puts colors inside your world and makes you feel good and makes you feel loved, and you'll never know exactly when, or how, but we always find ourselves waiting for this glorious moment to happen.
We have learned to search for the magic of love from the moment we begin to understand the world; tales of amazing deeds, purest hope, great sacrifices and unbearable losses, all in the name of love, and we yearn for it. For us to be touched by such magnificence, for us to have a purpose.
We're promised this, so we crave it, most likely because we feel as if it's owed to us.
One truth is, it comes when you least expect it. Which is cruel, because you spend most of your youth expecting it, but one day, it's going to either come sneaking, or it's going to hit you like a wrecking ball.
I was the victim of the second mentioned; it came out of nowhere and I was forever changed by it.
It lit a fire inside of me. Everything felt so much brighter and everything suddenly made sense. I was unstoppable. We were unstoppable.
Up to this day, I don't even know which part was the best; the exciting feeling of having them kissing you for the first time, even if you kept interrupting them, telling them that that's not what friends do, or if it's the tickling sensation of catching them looking at you, if it's the security of being tangled up with them all night, or just the joy of looking at them with the satisfying feeling of love. Or maybe it's that awkward moment, where you meet their parents for the first time, being terrified of saying the wrong things.
I changed. I became brave, I became better at spreading the beautiful words I always felt either too scared to admit, or the words I feared would be used against me.
Rome wasn't build in one day, but I trust people rather easily, so I quickly learned, and soon enough I couldn't stop. I was breathing love and I was happy.
Having been alone for long, always carrying the burden of worry, fear of rejection and the nagging feeling of not being valid, there is no feeling that can compare to the joy of feeling new and free, as if you're opening your eyes for the first time.
The spark burned so brightly and perhaps, when something is so passionate, intense and bright, it's not meant to last - I often wonder if anything would have been different, had I found the sneaking love instead of the wrecking ball.
I'm a giver. I selflessly give too much of myself in too short amounts of time, I willingly go out of my way to make people happy and I carry their problems voluntarily among my own, even if I'm not asked. I care too much, because it brings me joy to see the ones I love being happy.
Being a giver means giving selflessly, not expecting anything in return. Pure compassion is free, it is not money and it's not something you can owe anyone, but I guess you somehow find yourself hoping that your deeds don't go unnoticed and it'll be your parachute right before hitting rock bottom.
In the end, it doesn't matter if you spend countless nights memorizing the shape of their nose, or the colour of their eyes. It doesn't matter if you found yourself drawing shapes on their backs, caressing their cheeks, pushing hair out of their eyes, or kissing their lips. It doesn't matter if you spend nights talking about your worries, or showing the deepest parts of your soul, or whispering beautiful words into their ears, if the spark is gone.
You will not be in doubt, if the spark is gone, I tell you this. I felt it and it haunts me to this day.
Sometimes things cannot work out. Sometimes the odds are against you, no matter how much beauty you shared. Sometimes the world simply comes in between.
What matters though, is the way you handle it, when the world severs ties, I mean. Sometimes you find yourself falling right back into their arms, working like you've never have been before, but sometimes it's just not enough; I will frankly admit that being apart from someone I loved so much, whilst being lonely in a foreign country meanwhile he had a life going on, affected me. It affected me and I became jealous, bitter and moody and I continuously let it out on the one I least wanted to. And I am sorry. I am so, so, so incredibly sorry. And I apologize, both selflessly and selfishly. Selflessly, because you didn't deserve it. Selfishly, because what I did haunts me and I want him to know that.
I don't know if this is part of being a giver, but the feeling of failure, was the first thing I felt. What did I do wrong? Did I give too little? Was I not supportive enough? Did I not show my love enough?
On top of this - I don't know if I'm childishly naive, or just a hopeless romantic - but when I feel, I do it with my entire being, I love unconditionally and I do it, because I believe in forever. There is no 50 shades of grey. There is black and white. I don't do things halfheartedly. The pro of this is that when you're happy, you feel it in your entire being. The con of this is that when you're in pain, or feeling sad, you will also feel it in your entire being.
The thing is, I could never regret what happened that summer, because not only did it make me brave, I also experienced something more beautiful than I could ever have imagined. I got the opportunity to both explore and learn all the things I'm capable of feeling, which helped me come to peace with not only who I am, but also that I have every right to feel what I feel.
But looking at it now, I also know that we naively hoped the magic could last, though we had only spend one month side by side, the rest of the six months were apart. It's incredible how long we kept fighting for the fragile thing we had. We were two paper airplanes - but paper planes can't fly in the rain. I know that now, though it never felt like that - his beautiful mind was enough.
I'm not going to lie. That December was the hardest month I have ever had to go through in my entire life, and I'm almost positive that if I wasn't so much at peace with my own emotions, it would have been even harder. Never have I imagined that something as mental as a human connection could be felt so physically, nor did I ever imagine I'd be able to make such inhuman sounds.
It became apparent to me that grief is an emotion felt by all living species, because if I could delegate to such primal level, what keeps more primal living beings from feeling the same?
Looking back now, I can hardly comprehend how I survived being so alone and in so much pain, but I did. I did. It doesn't seem possible in the beginning, and though I'm still struggling a little, I can only promise that it becomes better. As long as you surround yourself with loving and supportive people, you can make it.
Also remember that it is important - even if doesn't feel manageable - to acknowledge the people helping you with words of gratitude and beauty. Don't lose your beauty. Spread so much love, even if you feel like you've lost the ability. It's so important, Take the job in your own hands and bring it back.
I am a dreamer. I hope and expect too much, but things don't always work out the way we plan, not even if we wish on every shooting star we see, or every eyelash we drop.
I think the worst kind of betrayal, is the one you don't see coming. I'm a loyal person, which I guess is a side effect of being a giver. I have a strong sense of moral, whilst also being very observant of others' emotions - if you're my friend, I will instantly feel a sense of loyalty towards you and mentally I have a very strong sense of what I feel to be right and wrong.
Of course this is completely objective, and I guess everyone is entitled to their own way of living, but it is easy to forget and I guess that's what hurts; you never dreaming of doing something to hurt someone like that, but them not caring and being completely oblivious to something you feel so strongly about.
Grief is a funny thing; it brings out the worst in people. It's a learning experience, really. You know you should not say that, or do that, but you do it anyway, because you're blinded by the pain you're feeling.
This is when we often use the gift of communication the wrong way - I've said things I'm not proud of, completely based on the fact that I didn't mean them, but I've also said things I meant, no matter how ugly, which I still can't find myself regretting.
I never imagined myself in a situation where I was as alone as I was that day in December. I never imagined my own words being used against me, when I was in so much pain, so excuse me for acting irrationally, but I've never been hurting that much before, which is why it should be seen as a learning experience and a way to grow, because not only do you get to explore yourself when you're happy, but you get to do so in the stages of grief and pain as well.
A friendly reminder would be to never expect someone to be happy for you, when your happiness is completely at their expense.
I am only human; you expected too much from me that day - you did what I feared the most and expected me to be unscathed.
When you've gotten used to someone helping you carry the weight of the world, the mere thought of having to do it alone again becomes so unbearable that everything becomes a struggle.
Personally I felt that I had been strong for so long on my own, so when someone came along and helped without a word, I was relieved and got used to it. So when I once again found myself on my own, I had completely forgotten how to carry it by myself.
Unconditional love is sacred, because you put a tiny piece of your soul into it and when the love dies, that piece disappears and you will spend a long time trying to find it again - you will most likely also fail. Learn to become whole again without it.
As previously mentioned, the world can become lonely when you're in unknown waters concerning your feelings, but this is what I discovered; you are going to want that feeling of not being alone in the world and you're going to watch every movie, read every book and listen to every song you have the slightest feeling are going to solve the mystery and give you an idea of where you're going from now on.
You see, this is not the problem, the problem is, that you won't find it. It's not real. Nothing fictional can prepare you for the pain and nothing can release you from it. There will never be a completely truthful illustration of a heartbreak, because it is not hopeful enough to be story worthy - it's too depressing.
Heartbreak has you lying in the darkness, in the spot you find the most fitting, though not necessarily the most comfortable, crying your heart out, moaning in what can only be physical pain. It has you clenching the front of your shirt as you look for the nearest object to steady yourself on. It has you wanting to pull your hair out, kick something and scream into the abyss by the mere reminder of something someone used to do. It isn't over in a week and there won't be anyone good enough to fill the void for a long time, because it feels wrong, it feels nauseating and out of question, which leads to even more pain, because you're realizing you're going to have to do it eventually.
In movies you know it'll be over soon, in reality you don't know that. And you don't feel like it is. Please do watch, read and listen to all those things nevertheless, but just be aware that that will not be what gets you out of your misery, but rather the compassion of real people.
You will learn that ghosts are real, though they don't necessarily have to be dead relatives in order to appear.
It can be a specific ringtone that has you frantically looking for your phone, because of that time where he explored the world and would tell you about it. It can be a smell that reminds you of that time you wore his shirt for the first time. It can be a passing car that reminds you of all the times he drove you home in the middle of the night. It can be a song that he spend months playing and dedicating to you. It can be the bed that has suddenly become too large for you. It can even be the sound of thunder that reminds you of that night outside in the rain.
How do we defeat the ghosts? I don't know. One suggestion would be to go back to where it all started and learn to love the memories without the other person.
It's been nearly three months and I still find myself stop in my tracks sometimes because of a reminder, but you'll learn that ghosts don't necessarily have to be strong and some can easily be defeated.
Another suggestion would be time; they say it heals all wounds. Though I quite frankly don't see myself forgetting this.
In a healthy relationship, both parts are happy, but the same rule doesn't necessarily apply for a breakup. You won't necessarily both be sad.
The thing is, I don't know if it's easier when both are sad, all I know is that I think you feel even worse, when you're the only one in pain.
How can they be happy? How do they find happiness without you? I think this somehow equals in you feeling like a failure. Especially if you feel like you're not ready for that emotional connection with anyone else, but they're already sharing what you felt was yours.
I don't think you'll ever be ready to see them with someone else. The feeling of being forgotten is terrible, when all you do is remembering it all too well.
I suspect a side effect of being both a giver and loyal is the incredible need of reviving, redeeming and reclaiming relationships with people, in spite of what they've done. I'm a firm believer in second chances and never throwing out people whom I had a certain connection to.
This leads to the downside of sometimes having to try forcing people to stay and then be disappointed and hurt when they don't want to. A helpful note would be to remind yourself that you should never have to force people to be in your life, what should be there, will come by itself.
I am terrible at letting go, I cling to people who makes me happy, most likely because they are the ones I've been passionately loyal to - what do you do when your service is no longer needed? You frantically try to prove yourself.
I find myself in a lot of trouble, because I still care, even when I shouldn't.
In some way, without romanticizing pain, I think it's beautiful to feel. I think raw and pure emotions are blindingly beautiful. To allow yourself to feel and show sincere sides of yourself in a world that has become so vague, is something I find so brave and admirable.
It will always be something I strive to do. I find it hard to believe that you can be fully true to yourself, if you're not comfortable with your own feelings.
I'd take crying for a month because I was happy for six months over indifference any day. Our way of feeling intense and complex emotions are what proves we're alive and what sets us apart from animals.
How could I know I was happy, if I robbed myself of mourning a loss and paying tribute to it?
Some people are terrified of being emotionally trapped in relationships, assignments or commitments and will do all they can to escape the cage - the thing is, they're so busy running that they haven't realized they made the cage themselves and all they'll run into in the end are themselves.
Besides the gift of communication, we've also been blessed with the gift of compassion and forgiveness. When you're blinded by rage, pain and sorrow, it can be impossible to take a step back and put yourself in others' shoes and try to see it from their point of view.
Sometimes you have to forgive them, even if they're not sorry. Not for them, but for you. In order for you to let go of the negativity, you're going to have to set it free.
Compassion is something I admire endlessly and always a trait I aspire to have. Sometimes compassion is sharing the last oreo, but sometimes it's being the bigger person, by not burning bridges.
Some bridges I burned in anger and found myself regretting, others I barely saved, whilst others are some I could never burn, even if I on some days felt it would be for the best - to me, compassion is also the willingness to let the bridge to your support and help stand strong for the ones who wronged you. To be the bigger person who, like a parent, lets the door stand slightly ajar in case someone who made a mistake wants to knock, but don't know how. When you've learned to hear someone's heart, I think it's difficult to ignore it, if the sound ever came within your hearing range again.
If he ever where to call me in the middle of the night, drowning in thoughts and worries, because he finds them too hard to express, simply looking for someone who knows him, I'd never be able to turn him down.
We're all human. We all make mistakes. It's hard to remind yourself of that, sometimes.
A little over two months ago I lost something I had faith in, and along with it I forgot who I was, and spend quite some time trying to figure it out. During that time, I didn't think I'd ever feel whole again, but I learned yet another important lesson; as humans, we mend each other. I don't know where I'd be without the people I have in my life and for whom I'm eternally grateful for.
As time passed, I learned to leave the bitterness behind and to reminisce memories with a laugh, rather than that pang in the chest, which is important, because I remember things very clearly. Sometimes I find myself laughing at something he did, but without missing it, which is a personal victory - baby steps are still steps.
I can enjoy the memory of the first time I saw him in three weeks, the time we played chess, that time on the couch, the time in the woods with the deer, the time I returned home to see him for the first time in months, or the bike ride in the rain, without needing him to be there with me.
It's important to remember that we have choice; just because the other person chooses to forget, doesn't mean you have to. You can keep the memories if you want and you can learn from them.
I think it's important to pay tribute to something that made you happy by remembering, if not for the reminder of how happy you can be, then for the reminder of what you learned and your ability to give love.
Don't regret something that made you happy.
I won't lie and say there aren't days where it feels like you're still missing the piece, or where everything is a reminder and it's a struggle to ignore it, or when you see something funny and find yourself turning to look at someone who is not there anymore, but on those days it's important to remember that they can't last. Even the worst days are only 24 hours.
You'll forget the importance of the sun without the cloudy days.
The great thing about pain is that it most likely always end in a lesson.
I learned the importance of voicing my troubles. I learned the relevance, entitlement and validation my feelings own. I learned to appreciate the small things in life. I learned how to be free.
And to him; I'll never forget what we did and how you made me feel. You showed me magic was real and I'll be forever grateful for that.
I'm going to end it with a quote by John Green, which has a lot of truth to it:
You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices.
Love, Lea.
PS. I still remember that night we went to Wonderland.. but even Alice had to go home.
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