Heartbreak hiatus

It appears as if I have returned, well not really as if, because this is a post and I am here and I am ready to talk.

As some of you might know, I returned to Denmark this weekend due personal issues and I am willing to let you all in on the gossip.
You see, last week was a little hard and this feels as if I am embarrassing myself, but I promised to be honest on this blog.
Jacob broke up with me... and it's okay. It's okay.

THOUGH THIS GIF IS SO FAR FROM OKAY, OKAY?

There's a few things you don't know about the relationship, yes, it was and felt foolishly perfect, but it was also only meant to last for two months, meaning the time before I left to go here. It can't be planned, this I know now, but you will never find me saying that I regret these past two months of my life. I am so lucky for all I have been given.
To quote The Fault In Our Stars (as we're already kind of in there and it's just brilliant okay pun unintended):

"Sometimes people don't understand the promises they're making when they make them. But that's what love is. Love is keeping the promise anyway."

You see, I will go back to this quote in a bit, after I have informed you of the following: I have learned a lot about myself during this breakup. I am not a Taylor Swift. I repeat, I am not a Taylor Swift. I had a tiny, teenie, weenie Taylor Swift moment, which has embarrassed me endlessly, but I'd like to think I have been really mature about all of this.
You see (back to the quote) it's no secret that I care a lot about Jacob. Like a lot. But upon leaving, I also told him I would put the ball in his basket and he could get to decide what would happen. And he did, for personal reasons, which resulted in my minor Taylor Swift moment, but also lead me to the epiphany that I cared for him enough to want him happy and to want the best for him, and if going through with his wish would make him happy, then that was what I was going to do.

You see, I have learned a few things. Disappointment brings out the worst in people, so you need to look beyond your own little nose and see where people are coming from.
Anyway, I travelled back home to talk it through with him, because some things are not meant for skype.

I already knew what I wanted from this, which was his friendship. We used to be best friends and I need that in my life, if that's the least I can get. He is one of the most brilliant people I have ever met and I am not, or was ready to let that go, but it would seem that we're both on the same page when it comes to that.
I am fortunate to have him in my life.

I had another epiphany (yes, I know, hold your horses!), I found this whole thing a lot easier to deal with, when I started focusing on all the good things and how much joy it has brought me and how much I learned about myself and the odd pleasure of fully giving yourself to another human being.
You know, another way to deal is also to realise that some things are out of your hands; sometimes you have got to have hope that there is a bigger plan, this meaning that if it's meant to happen, it will happen eventually at the right time.. and if not, then you shouldn't worry. Don't worry about things you cannot change. Life is unpredictable.

Yes, it's hard. Especially writing this post, it makes me very emotional, in spite of feeling mature about it. It's incredibly hard to know you can't touch them the same way, or be there in the same way, but that's where hope comes in. Hope is what keeps you alive. Hope is what will pull you through.
I guess a truth about sadness is, that it isn't caused by other people really, but rather because you feel all hope leave you and you find the world dark and unbearable, because how could you ever go on - but sadness leaves you eventually, because hope finds it's way back.
Letting go in order to be unselfish will hurt you the most, this I know, but knowing it will be for all the right reasons, will be there to mend you in the end.
And I'll have you all know, that I see Jacob as my best friend still, and it would seem we have it all worked out now, which is good. I am grateful.

So this was very honest, quite hard to formulate and I am crying a little, but in the end, I am proud of myself and how I'm handling this.

I'll keep you updated.
Love, Lea.

Brighton bound

Hello.
It's me again.

As promised in my last post, I have returned. This is because I am travelling to Brighton tomorrow morning and will then be located there for a long time.
Not as long as Gollum was in the misty mountains, but close enough.

hopefully I wont lose my teeth and hair

Anyway, it would seem that the past few days have  been cut shorter than the days that are to come or maybe it's just me, but I'll sum them up for you:

Photo credit: http://instagram.com/p/sQLdbXD1xR/?modal=true

• Thursday: a perfect, chill day with Jacob and his family. Lovely.
• Friday: played a Harry Potter drinking game with my friend Emma before we went down to the local pub to drink my sorrows away and say goodbye to my friends - this was very fun. Got to go home with Jacob, whom I begun the quest of riding a bike home drunk in the middle of the night with. Did I mention I was drunk?
• Saturday: double date with my best friend Rebecca, her boyfriend Kenneth and Jacob. We didn't really need wheels after that, we could have used our bodies, but the comfort of a car was still very nice.
• Sunday: my aunt's birthday and a farewell to my family members.
• Monday: Jacob and I have been living at each other's houses the past week, so it was spent with him. Doing what, I'm not really sure actually.
• Tuesday: Dining with my family and Jacob, this being the last evening I had with Jacob, I also went to say goodbye to his family, who all wants to see me in December, so this is good news. Now I just need to make sure Jacob doesn't run off.
• Wednesday: this morning was the last morning I am going to have with Jacob in months, because of a poorly planned school trip, so it was emotional, but I didn't cry. This is good. Not really, this means I'll cry enough water to sink Atlantis all over again tomorrow.
  Today has been spent packing up my life (no, this doesn't mean I stuffed all my friends in my suitcase.. but I would if I could #NoShame)
  

Today's thoughts are really simple: I don't really want to go.
The big looming, scary and mysterious future is ahead and I quite honestly don't know what will happen to this life and the people in it, but I hope at least some of it stay the same.

This is a temporary thing - this I am sure of, but right now the thought of how long the stay is and how much I am going to miss my friends is almost unbearable, BUT I also know it'll get easier in time - even if it feels like I'm Rachel and I can't get off the plane. Even if Rebecca calls to warn about the phalange.

Tomorrow is somewhat simple. Being driven to the airport by my mum, Rebecca and Jacob, where I'll travel from Billund to Copenhagen to Gatwick to Brighton.
It sounds somewhat easy, but I guess it always does before you find yourself in Timbuktu.

It'll all be fine. Except for the fact that I'll need salt water donations for my eyes.

Before I leave, I'd like to give you a little piece of advice:
If you ever find yourself in my situation, know it's important to talk it through with your partner and make sure both don't get caught up in the stressing situation and end up being annoyed with each other because of it. It sucks, you're both aware of that, but focus on the good.

It's important. It's really important.

I'll update you tomorrow evening when I'm in the U to the K. Oh gosh, they are going to hate me.

Love, Lea.

ps. I'll leave you with this. (because I am going to miss this idiot)

Pre-moving thoughts

Okay. To tell you a little thing about myself, it is that I have lived inside of my comfort zone my entire life. Well, or up until a few months ago. 
Hence why leaving is followed by loads of second thoughts, doubts and cold ballerina shoes.

Smack my ass and call me Augustus Waters, but oblivion has always bothered me. I don't know, it has always been important for me to leave a mark, or somehow make a difference, so if I died, there would be an echo of me somewhere.
A few years ago, I was obsessed with this quote:

,,They say you die twice; one time when you draw your last breath and a second time, a little later one, when someone says your name for the last time."

I obsessed over saying names of distant, dead relatives, or just names of dead people in case I could avoid the happening of that second death, it's weird. I know. I guess this went out of the window.

Anyway, to be honest.. it feels like I am dying. Cue teenage drama queen starts playing
People were constantly insisting on wanting to say 'goodbye' to me before leaving, which in the end kind of made me really stressed.
In the end, I didn't really want to talk to anyone about Brighton, and if someone dared to mention it, I'd snap their necks give them the eye of Sauron and throw a fit. This happened with my parents quite a lot, which isn't fair, but I was so blinded by selfish thoughts of how I was going to be alone in a foreign country (which I still AM very sad and scared of). I didn't really look beyond my own nose.
The only little break I did get, was when I was with Jacob, because he was the only one who didn't mention me going away. He made it easy to ignore the sound of the ticking clock in the background.. but when I was alone, not so much.
I needed time to mourn what I was leaving behind, but instead I kept being told what to feel and how grateful I should be.

The thing with leaving your life behind is like a coin - it has two sides.
I will now give you my version of a honest, brutal confession.

The thing is, it's weird leaving a whole life behind you and what is even weirder (and worse) is that life continues without you - this is a great struggle of mine.
Nicholas Sparks says that the scariest thing is that either they'll miss you, or they'll forget you. Which is true, I guess.
It's easy to imagine that your home town is on pause as you're out exploring the world (a little like in the old The Sims games), but it's not like that, it goes on, which is a cruel quote, because it is true.
Everyone has each other, they have something to fill the void, while you're on your own. You are alone with the pain. And even if you had friends to talk about your old friends to, it wouldn't matter. They couldn't care less about some people in a small country.
I guess an important question is, how do you keep up with two different worlds? I guess another cruel truth is that you don't, you'll have to keep the faith that they'll remember you. I guess the scary part is that sometimes they don't and sometimes it is the people closest to you, who let go.

I know this is a part of growing up and a part of life, but time flies, the world spins and sometimes it's difficult to get a grip on what you'll miss and what you're taking for granted. This is the truth. You don't know what you have until it's gone.
I'd never thought I'd miss this so much, or regret something I wished for for so long either, but here I am.
I guess this is also because you don't know what to expect.

Sometimes life gets untangled from your hands, because you and the universe aren't making the same plans, but don't fret. Life will reach out for you when you least expect it.
Home is behind, the world ahead.

That is all, folks.
Lea

ps. I guess I won't be posting again before leaving the country, so...